Welcome to Are You Mad At Me? — a weekly newsletter about anxiety, perfectionism, addiction, self-esteem, living with unanswered texts, recovering from people-pleasing and becoming better friends with ourselves.
From the title of this newsletter, you can probably tell that I’m in my perfectionism era. But I’m trying really, really hard at this exact moment to show up in the MIDST of my perfectionism flaring up, in the midst of the messiness, as opposed to what I want to do which is go and take a long extended nap until everything calms down/quiets down/gets organized/gets figured out. And then, and ONLY then, is it safe to re-emerge as the now put-together version of Liana, who has all her ducks in a row and a concise thesis statement to share with you all.
I don’t. I’m writing to you from the messy middle where I feel guilt/shame about being so inconsistent with this newsletter and telling you all I am going to be more consistent and then still not doing it (which I now recognize matches the same pattern I have with my orthodontist about my Invisalign. To be discussed in therapy next week). Where I am in my first week of grad school (to become a therapist!!), and my class schedule isn’t fully figured out, and I don’t like it. Where I am traveling to Mexico City tomorrow for a friend’s wedding, and my life feels too messy to go out of town because I haven’t really been working out, and there’s undone laundry, and I’d like to just do a little more self-improvement before I get on a plane. Where I am taking space from my Dad because so much harm has been done and there is so much grief to be felt, and yet I’m unsure if I am healing fast enough (or at all). Welcome to my messy middle.
I wonder where I first learned that mess (internal, external, all the forms) was bad. I recently listened to a podcast that blew my mind with a literal mess expert psychologist where she talked about how mess is MORALLY NEUTRAL - it is not good or bad, it just is. I don’t understand that concept. So little for me is morally neutral. Even how I brewed my coffee this morning and the fact that it came out a little more bitter than usual feels morally very un-neutral because I should know how to do a pour over on the first try.
I’ve been thinking about why so little feels morally neutral and also how I can begin to create more neutrality around things that feel so associated with my badness or goodness.
Having dishes in the sink maybe doesn’t need to mean something bad about me (like that I’m lazy)
Double-texting a guy that I like but I am not sure likes me back that much maybe doesn’t need to mean something bad about me (like that I’m annoying)
Telling my boss I will have something by 5 PM and just not finishing it in time doesn’t need to mean something bad about me (like that I’m not qualified for this job).
Can I imagine if each of those was morally neutral? If having dishes in the sink just WAS. If double-texting a guy just WAS. If not getting the assignment done in time, just WAS. No story or drama or “interpretation”. Just the facts with no layer of morality nor an assessment of my personal competence.
Yeah…this is hard for me to believe too.
But I am not sure, honestly, that there’s any way to be with a life that is so messy all the time but to slowly let go of the judgment that not only it shouldn’t be messy but that it is messy because of some way I have failed or not measured up to the task. I don’t know when mess became equated with deficiency, but I feel fairly certain that if I want to have any level of sanity as an adult on this planet, I am going to need to rewire that belief.
Because the mess — of dishes, and promises I haven’t kept to myself, and unconfirmed schedules, and trips that come at not a great time, and people being mad at you, and the sluggishness from not having worked out in a while — that’s not going anywhere. That is the fabric of being alive - of actually living a LIFE that is constantly changing and evolving and throbbing with vitality. Maybe, I need to learn some new ways to tolerate the experience of being alive since mess is an inextricable part of that fabric.
Let me introduce you to a practice that has been lifechanging for me: The So What Prayer. I have dozens upon dozens of thoughts in my head every single day that point out the way things are messy and how they/I should be better, cleaner, more on top of things, more together. To which I answer…so what?
I’ve only worked out once in the last week. So What?
That guy hasn’t texted me in a while and I wonder if I ruined it or said the wrong thing. Maybe, so what?
I may not have chosen all the best professors for my classes and then my schedule won’t be as perfect as it could have been. It’s possible - so what?
I am behind on opening mail, answering texts, answering emails, watering my plants, and cleaning my bathroom. So what??
It is a way of interrupting the panic about life people imperfect. Even if I don’t believe the so what prayer (like let’s be real, I really am not #chill about the guy who hasn’t texted me), it puts in a second of pause in between my observation of something messy and the assumption that I caused it or am responsible for fixing it right now (because anxiety about mess always comes with urgency for me).
I want you to try it. Make a list of every thing that’s plaguing your mind because its messy, imperfect, and worrisome. And read each one out loud and at the end of the sentence pause and say So What? and see what happens in your body. See how letting yourself off the hook, even for a minute, allows a little air to be released from your tightly held lungs.
May I let go of the shame I feel that I keep having to begin again at the things I want but can’t stay committed to (like this newsletter). May I let go of needing things to be any more certain or figured out than they are. May I let go of the belief that I would feel safer and more in control if my stomach didn’t feel so flabby. May I let go of fear that I am going to make “wrong” choices that are going to inevitably cause me to have the wrong life, and it will be all my fault. May I let go of what this super social weekend coming up looks like and accept how I feel in every moment, even if it doesn’t match the ideal. May I let go of what you think of me. More importantly, may I let go of what I think of me.