Welcome to Are You Mad At Me? — a weekly newsletter about anxiety, perfectionism, addiction, self-esteem, living with unanswered texts, recovering from people-pleasing and becoming better friends with ourselves.
I’m coming back to this space after a long absence. Partly because I’m afraid to be forgotten about, partly because I’m mad at myself that I committed to this and haven’t done it, but mostly because life is very much in session for me at the moment and writing is how I make sense of things. How I let the mud settle to the bottom of the glass so I can see the water more clearly. How I sense how I’m feeling on the inside about everything that is happening on the outside.
Earlier this week, I was speaking to my sponsor about the fear I was having about some work changes — what was going to happen? when was it going to happen? how was it going to happen? what if I couldn’t navigate it? am I trying to control too much? Or am I being too passive? If you’re reading this newsletter and are a member of the overthinkers club, you know the drill — who? what? why? where? when? repeat. repeat. repeat.
In her gentle voice, from a place of trust that things unfold exactly as they should and that the unfolding is Good, she asked me a question that put an end to my litany of questions. What if you could just lean back?
As I took in her words, I physically leaned back into my chair, somehow shocked that the sturdy metal backing was there to catch me. I felt my scapula pressing into the cold metal as I leaned into a source of support that was stronger than my shaky sense of faith at that moment.
“If you lean back, and just watch what’s happening, you’ll know what to do…you’ll see what happens.”
For the record (and as my parents could easily attest), I am not a leaner-back-er. It’s not in my Jewish DNA, my nature, or my temperament. I have historically been the “sit-in-the-front-row, raise your hand first, text the guy the second you get home so he knows you had a good time, ask that person again to hang out even though they blew you off last time” kind of girl. I’ve been called “too forward” or “too intense” more times than the bubbling shame I feel at those words wants me to admit. Don’t get me wrong, there is immense beauty in my zest for life and my ambitious, direct nature. It’s why I’ve excelled in my career, have the friendships I do, and don’t let my happiness slip me by. But it becomes challenging when a lot of things are happening that are out of my control, and I feel like if I don’t do it, fix it, figure it out, make it happen, or make it not happen, I won’t be okay. To use a metaphor - I’m grateful for the ignition, but I can’t have it on all the time lest the battery dies.
I have been practicing leaning back - in all its forms - for decades. Surrendering to life on life’s terms, doing less to make people like me or to make things work out, taking my hand off the wheel, letting the ship sink if it’s sinking. It’s a one-day-at-a-time practice for me, and oh is it a painful, imperfect, messy, more-bad-than-good practice.
And I need to be reminded constantly. So when I was reminded that I had the option of leaning back instead of leaning in (which for me means lunging in to try to be in control, solve all the problems, answer all the unanswered questions and make things perfect), I felt relief. It was a practical tool I could use. Literally, everytime I felt myself get anxious, I could physically move my body backward and lean into the chair I was in.
I probably leaned back 380+ times in the last week. Okay, that’s a slight exaggeration, but that’s how many reminders I need to exhale out the illusion that I am unsafe if I am not directing the show. The illusion that I will only be safe if I know exactly what’s going on and can get ahead of any disappointments or uncertainty that might come my way. AKA - be God.
And here’s the amazing thing I want to share with you - life still life-d. Everything that was going to happen, happened. I am on the cusp of some huge changes and a lot of uncertainty, and it all unfolded how it was all going to unfold whether I did or did not lean back. But I suffered WAY less. I panicked WAY less.
Instead, I got curious. “Hmm…I wonder what will happen here?” “Let’s see what’s meant for me if I don’t try to force a solution!” “Maybe it will all unfold how it should.”
We don’t lean back because it gives us better outcomes, we lean back because it gives us back our sanity.
We don’t lean back because it will keep people from being mad at us, we lean back because we can’t control it even if they are.
We don’t lean back because we are trying to get everything we want, we lean back because we don’t want to miss the information that life is giving us.
If someone wants to leave, let them.
If someone is mad at you, let them.
If someone doesn’t pursue you, let them.
Let it - whatever is happening, let it.
Trust me, you don’t want to miss life’s information.
If I’m trying to control or manage, I may be getting in the way of the things that are going to make me the happiest. My discomfort with discomfort may cost me the incredible things that are going to fill all this empty space — the things I’ve been praying for.
So this week: lean back, let life unfold, do your 50%, and nothing more.
Watch what happens.
Life is in session.
This is a great one!